Love Like Winter
by Cacasenno
Summary: Original plot? That's what you want? Well, Harry is ABUSED! THERE! Now you have one! After his 6th year. Voldemort rescues him, will that eventually turn into a relationship full of meaningful HOT JUNGLE SEX? You bett
1. Narrughle

**Love Bad Porn Movie  
**

_Don't get me wrong, I love hp/lv and there isn't a lot so beggars can't be choosers, but a lot of these stories (many of which are well written) have some, slightly amusing, things in common. I am targeting no one fic (everything that happens I've seen in more than one fic) so don't be offended. Minor HBP spoilers.

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_

Harry was at Number Four Privet Drive during the summer before his 7th year. And, though they had never done so before and Harry was all grown up, the Dursleys kept bloodying him up.

At least one of his eyes was swollen shut, there was a crisscrossing of belt welts across his back, his nose was broken in eleven different places, his right arm was broken, his left arm was dislocated, all his fingers were twisted, his lips were purple, 9 ribs poked into his skin, he was missing four front teeth, his right ankle was fractured, his left leg had been ripped clean off and his internal organs were ruptured from being used as an apple pie by Dudley and Vernon so many times (who knew?). Harry was unhappy.

'BOY!' Uncle Vernon stumbled into Harry's room, 'I HAD A HORRIBLE DAY AT WORK AND NOW I'M DRUNK! SO DRUNK I MANAGE TO FORGET I'M MAINLY COMIC RELIEF!'

'Marrughle,' Harry gurgled. He was so injured, all he could do was lie in a bleeding pile on the floor and gurgle occasionally.

Uncle Vernon tried to pick Harry up by his hair but because Harry had become so malnourished in the three days he had been home, the hair just ripped out of his skull, leaving a bald spot on top.

'LITTLE BASTARD!' Uncle Vernon yelled, kicking Harry in his bloody stump, 'it's all YOUR fault my boss walked in on me raping his desk while screaming his name,' because, apparently, Uncle Vernon was just a sick, sick, sexual deviant.

'Narrughle,' Harry replied.

When Uncle Vernon left, Harry was alone with his thoughts, and Voldemort's "external penetration."

_-You know, Harry, I could come save you from all this.-_

-No, you're evil, you killed my parents.-

-_But we're life mates as, for some reason, Parselmouths always have life mates._-

-I think I'm dying…-

--

If Harry's eyes weren't swollen shut, he would have closed them dramatically.

Twenty-nine kilometres away, Voldemort suddenly got worried. Was his life mate ok? What did those dirty, dirty muggles do to him? He wouldn't let anyone get away with hurting the one HE was supposed to hurt.

Voldemort rushed from the huge stone castle he recently bought, then, yanking Snape out of the bath tub while he went. Voldemort, all worried and horny, and Snape, all soapy and pink, apparated into Little Whining, where Harry lay.

Voldemort angrily stomped on their daffodils before bursting in, not bothering to knock on the door and tipped over a chair with their billowing, black robes. A clinically obese muggle was watching television, at first, they ran right by him, but Voldemort went back and angrily stomped on his big toe.

'Take THAT!' he yelled.

They ran up the stairs to Harry's bedroom and knocked down the door. Voldemort tore across the small room where Harry lay. He scooped the teen into his arms.

'You will never again hurt my precious boy-toy,' Voldemort yelled at Vernon. Then he noticed exactly what he was holding, 'yeargh,' Voldemort said, 'not as pretty as I remember.' He dropped Harry back on the floor.

'Parrughle,' Harry said, disappointed.

'Get out y-you!' Uncle Vernon had yelled, reaching Harry's room.

'No!' Voldemort yelled back, 'Avada Kedavra!'

Uncle Vernon fell down dead. Voldemort skipped from room to room in Privet Drive killing Harry's family and the postman. Snape remained at Harry's side looking both surely and supportive, for he, Severus Snape, of course, had also been abused… as did Voldemort. All three met in Harry's room and briefly considered a support group.

'Will you be able to brew ominous sounding potions that will restore him to health?' Voldemort asked Snape, 'I need _you_ to do this because, despite me being the best student in Hogwart's history, only you can brew Death Eater-related potions.'

'I believe I can brew a potion, but only if you bring Harry to your castle,' said Snape.

'That's a good idea, I've had my room elaborately redecorated for him too,' said Voldemort.

'Yes?' said Snape.

'Quite,' said Voldemort.

'Quarrughle,' said Harry.

--

Harry woke up in a biiiiig bed. It had green and silver silk sheets, black marble architectural details, a snake-filled aquarium, tall black drapes, a vanity table, some dressers and a crystal chandelier. Voldemort was quite proud of the place as he had done the decorating himself. He had taken a course at a college and had become proficient in drafting by hand and using AutoCAD so he could rightly call himself both an evil Dark Lord _and_ a licensed interior decorator… no one had the heart to tell him he wasn't very good at it…

Harry looked down. He was wearing black silk pyjamas because Voldemort would never buy anything that wasn't black and silky.

_That was sweet of him,_ Harry thought, _changing me out of my clothes and into some of his… come to think of it… how did he manage it?_

He pictured Voldemort struggling with his unconscious body, trying to dress him; it was like a scene from a bad sitcom. Harry climbed off the bed and noticed that Voldemort was straddling the door frame sexily.

'Hello, Harry,' Voldemort purred, letting his black, silk robe slip.

'Hello, Voldemort,' Harry said, 'I think you look hot and sexy in that creepy, Snake-Man kind of way.'

'Is there any other kind of way?' Voldemort whispered.

'Not that I care about,' Harry said teasingly.

* * *

_AHHH! What will happen next! Will Severus get to bathe in peace? Will the flowers on the Dursleys' graves remain unstomped-on? Will Voldemort and Harry get to have hot jungle sex!_


	2. Caponata

**Love Bad Porn Movie  
**

--

Voldemort took a pencil out of his robe pocket. He let it drop to the floor.

"Opps," said Voldemort saucily.

Harry bent over to pick up the pencil while Voldemort admired the view.

"I believe this is yours," said Harry saucily.

"Yes, thank you, oh Harry. I'd almost forgotten, when we took you from your relatives's house, there was a package for you in the kitchen that a Death Eater remembered to grab."

"A 'package'?" said Harry, "was it a large, hot, _throbbing_ package?"

"No, not really," Voldemort replied, "it was actually quite thin and kind of eggplant-shaped."

Harry raised a saucy eyebrow. Voldemort pulled the eggplant-shaped package out of his robe pocket (they were some of those magically expanding things) and handed it to Harry. Harry examined it. True, it had his name on it, but he had never seen it before, why hadn't the Dursleys shared with him this? Was it important?

"So, Harry Potter- or, should I call you _Sexy_ Potter...?" Voldemort began.

But Harry was no longer listening, he had opened the package and a scrapebook of random, stalkerish photos and news stories fell out. There was one of Harry as a baby with his parents, some press clippings of Voldemort's terror, photos of Harry with his friends and one of Ginny.

Voldemort had made his way over to the bed while Harry stared at the scrapebook.

"Sexy Potter, I'm getting cold over here, what's taking so long?"

"I-I think I need to rethink this," Harry said without a hint of sauciness.

He ran from the room with scrapebook in hand. Dramatic music played in his head while his heart was torn, valve from valve at the prospect of hot, jungle sex with his enemy.

He ran to the highest tower of Voldemort Castle. The rain poured in pounding sheets and lightning flashed somewhere in the background, but Harry was far too upset and emo-licious to care that he was in the highest tower of Voldemort Castle during a lightning storm. He was torn! He was confused! He needed guidance!

"Wah!" Harry cried, "I'm so confused! On the one hand, Voldemort is smart, funny, dead sexy and seems like the perfect top. But on the other hand, Voldemort is a geriatric mass murderer who ruined my life and may or may not be shaped like an eggplant. Wah!" he howled.

Harry opened the scrapebook to one of the news stories.

_HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED SEEN SWIMMING NAKED_

_You-Know-Who was spotted bathed in the nude in the Irish Sea. While at first thought to be a large codfish, it was later confirmed by the presence of 'LV' monnagramed robes at the site, it was indeed You-Know-Who taking the dip. _

_Ministry aurors were dispatched to the scene and managed to retrieve the robes. You-Know-Who was seen scampering nude into the brush to evade capture. _

_Ministry auror Ken Munchkin, 42, was part of the attempt, "we tried to get him but he was faster than we thought. He just got his wand and ran off, not bothering to get his trousers or anything. I wish he had. The image in burned in my memory now. How does it even get to be shaped like an eggplant? Looked like some kind of botched enlargement charm."_

_The robes recovered were a 32-long._

"Why did I just read that?" Harry wondered aloud, "it didn't answer any of my questions."

Now, instead he flipped to another page in the scrape book. It was the picture of Ginny Weasley. Harry stared at it as the rain grew stronger.

The picture was new, probably from the previous year. Ginny's photographic self stalked miserably and bit her lip as she got more and more soaked from the rain. She appeared to have been in the middle of a breakout when the photo was taken and desperately needed to have plucked her eyebrows. Her lips were dry too, Harry noted. There was a faint mustache (quite an accomplishment for a red head) but her upperlip way puffy nonetheless, as though she had attempted to wax it off but had failed.

Her now-wet shirt was going see through and Harry could tell she wasn't quite even underneath it. It rode up and her kilt dug into her hips, Harry had never before noticed her spare tire. One of her knee socks had fallen down, the other had a hole in it and a name tag with 'Bill' written in large letters. Not only that, but her knees were knobbier than Harry remembered too.

"Yeargh! Not quite as pretty as I remember," Harry said.

Photo-Ginny sighed and somewhere real-Ginny died a little on the inside.

"Harry! Oh Harry! Where are you? Are you up here? Harry, oh Harry!" Voldemort said breathlessly through the rain as he burst onto the tower.

"I'm here," Harry said, his shirt tore open in the wind.

"Oh Harry! Thank heavens! But what's the matter? Is it something I did?"

"No, Voldemort," Harry yelled over the rain, "it's not you! I've just got a lot of issues I need to work out right now, that's all!"

"What are they? We can work them out together!"

Voldemort took Harry by the shoulder and whirled him around.

"It's just... you killed my parents and my Godfather and a guy who was vaguely important during my fourth year. And you've always seemed like such a bad guy in the past."

Voldemort raised Harry's chin with his finger.

"But the past is the past, and tomorrow's a present, that's why we call it today."

For some reason, those words made sense to Harry. Suddenly Voldemort was sexy again and all he wanted to do was pull on a pair of rocketpants and fly far away where they weren't governed by what's 'right' and 'wrong' and 'so perverse it makes you want to scratch your eyes out.'

"You're right! You're right! I'm so sorry Voldemort! I didn't mean to run! All I want to do is make sweet love with you!" Harry called over the driving rain, "take me! Right here! Right now! Teach me the ways of the evil flesh!" he yelled while rubbing his body against Voldemort's.

Voldemort smiled saucily, "...Say, Harry, do you like the taste of eggplant?"

--

Severus Snape was meeting with Professor Dumbledore in Hogwarts, he squirmed as his Dark Mark tingled on his arm. This could mean only one thing. But Severus had to keep his mind on other things, Albus was talking to him about important matters.

"...And _that's _how I surivived!" Albus concluded his story. Remus Lupin and Minerva Mcgonagall were also in the room and burst into applause and tears at the end of it.

"But how'd you know about the oranges?" asked Lupin

"Simple," said Albus, popping a mint, "she mentioned she was allergic to cotton."

"And the Eiffle Tower?" asked Minerva.

"Easy. I knew it was the tower because I used the Law of Sines, they always said Math was useful in the real world."

"Shouldn't we get back to talking about Harry?" Snape asked.

"Oh, right, yes, of course," said Dumbledore, "so Voldemort's got him?"

"Yes."

"Then I need you to be a mole, Severus, we need Harry on our side."

Severus was not at all surprised by his assignment. "Fine, then I'll be a bigger," he stroked his oily locks, "hairier mole then the one on your inner thigh."

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I'll be on my way," said Severus.

He had made it to the door when Dumbledore stopped him.

"I'd nearly forgotten. I've discovered another part of the prophecy that's very important."

"What is it?" Severus asked.

"The one to defeat Voldemort," Dumbledore had another candy, "must.remain.a.virgin," he said in a booming voice.

"Uh oh," Snape said under his breath.

--

_Who made the scrapbook? Will Snape get there in time? Does Harry like the taste of eggplant?_

_I included one shameless plug to another of my fics and three references to my dear, dear Arrested Developement... soon for the chopping block... wah! A cookie to those who find them._

_Is this as painful to read as it is to write?_


	3. Sunflower the Sexual Deviant

**Love Like A Bad Porn Movie  
**

--

Lighning crashed, thunder crashed, rain crashed against the highest tower in Voldemort's castle, Voldemort crashed his body against Harry's.

Because of the complex rules of apparition, which make it nearly impossible when someone needs to get somewhere quickly, Severus was still miles away, on horseback.

"Yah! Yah! Faster, Sunflower, faster!" he yelled at his horse through the rain, thrusting the reins up and down.

But Severus knew he wasn't going to make it in time. For, on the highest tower of Voldemort's castle, surrounded by lightning, Harry tore off Voldemort's robes. Sexy in it's paleness and with a slight chicken-bone thing going on in his chest, Harry couldn't help himself.

"Take me now!" he yelled over the thunder.

"Ok," Voldemort said climatically.

Voldemort grabbed Harry's pants. More thunder crashed. Voldemort began to pull them down-

"SSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZAAA."

Lightning struck Voldemort, lighting up his bones for mere seconds, before disappearing and leaving him blackened and bleeding.

"Oh," Voldemort choked before falling backward, toppling over the edge and falling through the clouds, to the ground below Voldemort's castle.

"Noooooooo!" Harry yelled, "noooooooo!" he yelled again, "I won't live without you!" Harry vaulted over the edge of the tower, throwing himself to a sure death below.

As Harry fell more than a hundred feet, through the clouds, racing the rain, he saw a bizarre sight. He could have sworn he Snape riding towards the castle on a yellow horse with a sparkling mane, big violet eyes and long eyelashes.

Harry rolled in mid air, still falling, he saw bellow him Voldemort lying still, his robes burned half-off. He noticed a slight... _tenting_, half covered by Voldemort's robes. A gust of wind blew Harry around so he was facing the sky, about to land with his back right on Voldemort.

"Noooooo!" yelled someone else. He passed out before he could see Severus throw himself under Harry, between him and Voldemort. "Ouch."

Harry landed. The three lay there for a moment, in a pile. Sunflower the horse licked Severus's cheek and he moaned.

When Harry woke up, he was in a full body cast in the hospital of Voldemort castle. In the bed next to him, Voldemort was in a full body cast, his head just poking out the top like a turtle.

"Good morning, Sexy Potter," Voldemort said in a voice slightly strangled by the cast.

"_Good_? No, any morning with you is... great," Harry replied. His arms and legs were hanging in stirrups and he couldn't move. He decided to ignore the fact that he shouldn't be alive, instead, he was content just being with Voldemort.

"So... shall we resume where we were before... well... you know?" Voldemort said, winking.

"Yeah, _Voldesex_."

"A new nickname?" Voldesex asked.

"Do you like it?"

"Only if you help me live up to it," said Voldesex.

Severus had hoped he was in the clear for at least a few more hours until Harry and Voldemort's bones had fully healed. But when he walked in he dropped the tray of bandages he was holding and gasped in surprise.

Still in full body casts, Harry and Voldemort were trying to... well, Severus wasn't entirely sure was they were trying to do, it seemed to resemble his trip on Sunflower a little, but with more flailying. Voldemort had some how got over to Harry's bed.

"Voldesex, you're almost there, I can almost see it!" Harry yelled.

It seemed the body casts had been somewhat restricting and Severus noticed, to his relief, they weren't actually engaged in anything... yet.

"Ah, Severus, you can help me," said Voldemort.

"Master?" Severus said.

"_Master?_ Yes, that is a good one, but I think it's Voldesex now. Actually, Harry, which would you rather call me, 'Voldesex' or 'Master.'"

"Kinky! What ever the mood feels though."

"Right," said Voldesex, "Severus do me a favour and cut these casts off us."

Severus paused, how could he stop this? "...No... if I do know... you'll never... heal?"

Voldemort and Harry looked disappointed.

"Let's look on the bright side," said Voldemort, "now there will be all this dirty, wrong, sexual tension and when we finally do heal, well, we'll see how the mood feels then."

Voldemort winked.

Harry winked.

Severus gagged a little.

_I'm not dead! Will Harry and Voldemort ever get together? Will Severus complete his assignment? Will "Voldesex" ever catch on in the Harry Potter Fan World?_


	4. Effulgence

**Love Like A Bad Porn Movie

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**

_Dedicated to "Necro" or whatever the anon. reviewer's name really is. I don't know whether you are serious or kidding, either way, your review inspired me to write this chapter.

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_

"Harry! Come quick!" Voldemort called to his would-be lover in a slight panic. They were out of their body casts since the morning and because of a spell called the "Plotus Holeus" their muscles hadn't atrophied or any of that complex detail.

Harry jogged to catch up with Voldemort who was running to one of the mansion- no, _castle's_ various, nameless rooms. Voldemort had captured Trelawney and had been waiting for her to make another prediction. She finally had. It was a big moment.

"_A snake with red eyes and a lion with green eyes will fall in love and they will produce a child with that muddy brown coloured eyes and the child will be a snion and if this doesn't happen, the world will end. It must happen!"_

Treelawey finished her prediction and fell to the ground in a dramatic faint.

"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed, grabbing his cheek, "how will we ever figure out what it means! It must be in some sort of code!"

Snape, who had also appeared in the room eyed him for a moment, "...we-..." he stopped, eyed the surprised Harry again, "I think," he said delicately, "that m-preg must make an appearance."

"Oh dear! Oh dear! But what's mapreg?" Harry said, swooning slightly, "and what's a _snion_?"

"I think, Harry, that a 'snion' is a mix of the words 'snake' and 'lion'."

"But what's mepreg?"

"Well," Snape began, "I- um, I, er, how do I explain this... usually someone more cuddly like Dumbledore would explain this."

Harry was still staring at him.

"Sometimes, when a man loves another man very much, um, they, er, have relations and those relations produce a child."

Harry still looked clueless,

"because one gets pregnant,"

still clueless,

"a child in his stomach,"

nuttin behind those purdy green eyes,

"because they had sex."

"Ohhhh," Harry said, but Snape could tell he still really didn't get the concept. That was perhaps because it didn't make much sense.

"But there's more," Snape said, "Th-"

He was interrupted by a strange, hacking, gurgling sound on the floor. Trewlaney was choking on her tongue. They all watched her for a moment, they looked back to Snape.

"There are specific... conditions... that induce the... m-preg."

"Like?" Harry asked, "if it doesn't happen, the world will end, right?"

Snape nodded, "Now Harry, it's ok if suddenly you want to become very angry and run away. That would be fine because after a few good sobs, maybe some breaking stuff, you'll realize how much you love your baby and you'll come around and-"

Just then, Voldesex burst in the door.

"Baby!" he said to Harry, "I have news!"

"What is it Darhling?" Harry asked, a minor type-o gave him very suddenly a thick accent.

"I'm pregnant!"

They were all shocked. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! Harry was supposed to be the one carrying the child! He was young and vaguely feminine! This was **_just weird_**. Not the normalness and sensicalness that pregnant-Harry would be.

"But 'ow?" Barren!Harry asked, "we've never 'ad sex!" for some reason Harry's newfound accent wasn't consistent. Probably that darned "plotus holeus" spell again.

Voldemort launched into a long explanation involving magic, prophecies, an ancient power and their effulgent love that explained it. Also, the "_plotus holeus"_ spell was still in effect and may have played a part.

"... All I know, Harry, is that I will love our baby more than I have loved any of the other babies I've had with people like Lily Potter, Molly Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger...," he continued to list people, "...and once or twice with Frank Bryce. In those various other universes. Overseen by various other writers- opps, I mean, _gods._ This child will be special."

"...Wait..." said Snape, "now I'm supposed to be ensuring that Harry remains a virgin, has this child with Voldemort and isn't killed?"

"I suppose," said effulgent!Voldemort.

"_Also..._" Treelawnknee rose from her death till she was floating and continued her prophecy, "_you must make sure Gryffindor wins the house cup, but you must play seeker in guise of Harry as he is too in love to play, you must hide Harry and Voldemort's relationship from his friends, this must also involve you dressed as Harry and a few embarrassing encounters especially when Ron wants to confess something private to Harry. You must continue giving Potions classes, fend of Draco when he suddenly decides he loves you (as in the universes of love between Harry and Voldemort, no one can seem to swing straight) and develop a meaningful friendship with Hermione until she enlists you to help her get into McGonnagal's Depends and you realise it would never work between you."_

"ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WHAT MUST HAPPEN?" asked Severus, a capslock button out of charater.

"Yes!"

* * *

Generally, the story ends here. No one seems to finish these things. But as I am kind...

* * *

The future involves lots of sex, innuendo and a couple embarrassing double entendre-ed phrases involving the words "broom", "wand", "dragon", "snake", "doodle" (that one was Ron's.) 

At one point, Severus takes a marker to his face and draws a scar and some glasses when he wants to disguise himself as Harry. No one seems to notice that Harry has turned into a surly, middle aged man, with long hair, a hooked nose and bizarre face paint.

After Draco is repeatedly described as "a stunning blonde with a petite frame, soft lips and curves in all the right places" he gives in and starts calling himself Dracina and wears a dress. It was weird.

Hermione hooks up with McGonagal. It was weirder.

Voldemort and Harry's baby, James Leo Lucifer the First, is born with the perfect mix of Harry's intelligence and Voldemort's tolerant good nature.

Harry learns he doesn't like the taste of eggplant and they break up. Voldemort, heartbroken, jumps off a cliff and is killed.

Harry realizes Dracina is the girl for him and together they raise James Leo Lucifer the First. Everyone lives happily ever after. Effulgently.

The whole damn story was weird.

* * *

_Ok, __**that **was the end. I hope you enjoyed it, I'm sure we've all grown a little after experiencing a timeless love such as that of HP/LV._


End file.
